my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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