dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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