Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I can't trust your balls anymore.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Pants are for mortals
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
