omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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