please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
