can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
