I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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