i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
