someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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