so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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