I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
