After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
