tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
