2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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