Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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