hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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