I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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