I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
