Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
