Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
