$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
