Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
