Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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