we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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