Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
