Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
