i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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