I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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