I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
