I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
