Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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