I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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