I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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