I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
