Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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