I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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