I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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