I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
