Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
