i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i wish my penis had a tongue
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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