I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Enjoy the penises
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
