When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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