I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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