i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
