Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
