I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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