In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
