You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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