Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
