Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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