So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
