went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
