You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
