i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Welp...herpes.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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