i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
