are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
